Life Explained

On the first day, God created the dog and said:
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark atanyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?' So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?' And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: 'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?' And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this,I'll give you twenty years.'
But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?' 'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep,play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

Oh The Indignity Of It All!

This is Sally Ann. She is a dolly that I gave to my daughter for her 1st birthday, nearly 21 years ago. This was THE dolly, and she lugged her around for years and loved her dearly. Sally Ann had many outfits that I sewed for her, including this one made from leftover fabric from my sister's prom dress, and she has had many roles in my daughter's life. At one point, she was one of the "children of England" in her fantasy playland. She never slept without her, and in the mornings would come shuffling out of bed in her pyjamas, Sally Ann tucked under one arm, and then chuck her up on the table beside her to eat breakfast. She travelled with us wherever we went, and it was a bit of a drama the once time we forgot her on our way to the cabin for the weekend.

My daughter has since outgrown her many years ago, now that she's nearly 22 years old. I've been lugging her around with me through my manh moves, not wanting to part with her myself, as she reminds me of the innocence of my daughter's childhood. Her current place was sitting in the rocking chair I rocked my daughter in all those years, which now sits in the spare room.

I happened to go into the spare room this morning and found her in this condition. Poor Sally Ann has been brutalized, and the culprit is Henry VIII, feline. He ripped her dress off her and there are several teeth marks in her dress, and on her body. I've since moved her to a shelf in my closet for safety reasons.

Oh, the indignity of it all.

Sigh...Call Centres

Ok. I hate calling call centres to begin with, but they are a necessary evil. Who else will deal with complaints. GAWD knows no one is available in person. I hate going through the plethora of automated menus - press one, press two, press pound, BLAH BLAH BLAH! And then you get put on hold forever, if anyone even bothers to pick up the phone. And can someone please explain to me why call centres continue to hire people who can't SPEAK ENGLISH!!! I get SO DAMNED IRRITATED when I call and have to keep explaining myself because the idiot at the other end of the line can't understand English. I live in Canada. We have two official languages...English is one of them. I am not in Quebec, so therefore I should be able to receive service in English without having to repeat what I am saying a dozen times.

Today was no exception. I have been having issues with my phone jack in the living room. I've fried three phones now by touching it and getting zapped with static electricity. The phones have died, mid-ring, never to work again. So after the third phone fried, I decided to call the phone company. The first call, three menus later, I get a ringing phone...that no one answered...WTF? So I hung up after about 20 rings, and tried again. This time I got a person, English speaking...groovy...we're in the zone. I explain the problem to her and she agrees to put in a "service ticket" and someone will call me tomorrow. I provide her with numbers to reach me at, and the call is over...great.

About 30 minutes later the phone rings. My phone rarely rings, so I dash off into the bedroom to answer it (I refuse to plug yet another phone into the jack in the living room, only to fry). It was the phone company and I was not in the zone. Some foreigner was calling to tell me that he received my service ticket. I explained the problem and he told me someone would call me tomorrow. So I asked him what the purpose of his call today was, considering the person I spoke to just 30 minutes ago told me exactly the same thing. He didn't understand the question...so I explained it to him again, in plain ENGLISH. So then he said someone would come out to check it out tomorrow. I asked him when, because I work tomorrow in the afternoon, but am home in the morning. He said someone will come out tomorrow. Um, listen idiot, I know that, but when tomorrow...there are 24 hours in the day...can you at least pick one of them? So I clarified again what I meant, in plain ENGLISH. He doesn't respond and tells me there will be a charge. WTF? Why do I have to pay for an unsafe jack in my apartment? He tells me that the phone company doesn't repair anything inside of a building...oh for fuck's sake...you have GOT to be kidding me. I am not talking about a god damn Radio Shack jack, I am calling about a builder installed wall jack. Sorry, ma'am...there will be a charge. So I tell him to forget it, I am not paying to have someone else's equipment fixed. He tells me my landlord must fix it...WTF? They don't have phone technicians...they have Tony the handyman...

Sigh...so then I tell him not to send anyone because I am not paying for it. He repeats what I said and informs me he is writing a note on the file that I will not pay for anyone to come and that someone will call me tomorrow. Um, what? So I ask him why is someone going to call me when you aren't going to fix the jack without charging me for it, and I told you I am not going to pay for anyone to come? He says "he will come tomorrow". Sigh...so then I got pissy and hollered something rude like "why can't I speak to someone who speaks English???" and hung up the phone. I wonder if someone will phone me or come...

I hate call centres...

St. Valentine Was a Sadist

Valentine's day is for lovers. When you don't have one, it is nothing but a horrible reminder that you are alone while others celebrate their love for each other. Boo. Love sucks. The only good thing about Valentine's day is the sweet treats...pass the chocolates, I'll have a double.

I don't recall it being any less miserable as a child either. We made those stupid valentine boxes/folders/bags and spent the whole day before decorating them with construction paper hearts, paper lace doilies, glitter, ribbon, whatever you could find in the classroom. And then you diligently made out your 30 valentines at home the night before, trying not to give the wrong person the wrong idea - don't want to give too cute of a one to the gross guy who makes armpit farts with his hand...he might think you like him. And hoped like hell the guy you had a crush on gave you a nice one, if at all. And if he wasn't in your class, it likely didn't happen, and hearts were broken again...sob!

So, if you have someone to kiss tomorrow - lucky you. I'll be eating chocolate at home with the only boys in my life...Stormy and Henry.

My Flaky Cat

Stormy is big and black, and has dandruff...or at the very least, dry skin. It's quite dry in the north, and his skin is flaking off all over the place. I'm sure it's driving him nuts, though I haven't seen him scratching much. The remedy is to either add moisture (near impossible...it gets SUCKED into the air and evaporates quicker than I could add it) or to add fish oil to his diet. Via didn't like fish, so I hadn't been in the habit of buying any fish flavored cat food, but in light of his flaky skin, I thought I might try it. He practically inhaled it...and Henry turned his nose up at it. His loss...

The irony is, I am allergic to animal dander, and this dry skin of Stormy's is exactly the portion I am allergic to...sneeze, snort, sniff...good thing I love that boy...he still gets his snuggles regardless of the level of flakiness...

Aging

It ain't pretty. It also hurts like a bitch. I've been told I likely have bursitis in my hip and knee. I'm just 41 years old. I feel much older...thank goodness my heating pad has been giving me some relief, as meds did nothing for it.

All I can hear in my head though is my aging mother saying "oh, me hip"...

Short Break - I'm Getting Old

So I have the net at home tonight after all...the Freezone is up and running again, lol...

I am also getting old...or I am getting old people's issues...hip and knee pain sent me to the outpatient clinic at the hospital and after hours there last night, and a shot of toradol (no relief), I was sent home and requested to come back this morning for an x-ray. Back to the hospital this morning, x-rays and 3 hours later, they tell me they are not quite sure what is wrong but they know what isn't wrong. Their best guess was bursitis...yes...bursitis...something I typically would associate with my grandmother...not me. I am just 41 years young...how can I have bursitis???

I think I shall hobble off to bed now, taking my aging joints with me...

Break Time

I posted similar on my other blog...have lost my "freezone" wireless internet at home (GASP!) because the network I was camping out on either figured out how to secure it, or they moved out...either way, I am without access until this weekend when I can get my own up and running. Not much choice of ISP's up here, so have to take what I can get. Stay tuned...