The Idiot In The Dell

Well, just when I thought I was through losing it with Dell, they gave me yet another reason to be pissed. Here is a short summary of the ways Dell is fucking with my head.

First call (tech support) – Did not have my current contact information, even though I had already contacted them 3 separate times since moving about other things, and updated EACH time. Told me he was going to update it now. I explained that I broke my laptop in some way, likely cracked the screen and wanted to know what my options were. Was told by Dell techie that my best option, given that repairs were likely $700 or more, was to contact Dell Customer Care in the morning and request an upgrade to my warranty to Complete Care, which covers all damage, accidental or otherwise. He told me that the warranty was sure to be cheaper than the repairs and would cover me for any further damages in the future. I asked him about how to mail it in and he told me simply to use the original box, no problem.

Second call (customer care) – Did not have my current contact information. Told me she was going to update it now. I explained what dumbass above had directed me to do and was promptly shut down and told there is no way in hell anyone can upgrade to Complete Care, as it must be purchased at the time of sale for the computer, and she was so patronizing and said I must have misunderstood. Um, no, check the notes on the computer. He was very detailed last night in exactly HOW to go about it. She checked the notes and saw that he even documented how I should do this. Too bad, so sad. Cough up the $700 or your computer is not getting fixed. Advised me to contact tech support and proceed with normal process to return my computer to depot. She also informs me that they will send me a box to return my computer in and it should arrive in a day or so.

Third Call (tech support) – Did not have my current contact information. WTF??? Updated YET AGAIN. They are starting to get on my nerves. Had to go through the complete diagnostic again, even though I had a case number detailing that we had already done this. I expressed my discontent at being lied to and told techie that I didn’t want something for nothing, I simply wanted what was promised to me by their company in my first call. Spoke to a supervisor, who had little else to say, except he apologized profusely for the first techie. I don’t want a fucking apology, I want service! He said he would try to see what he could do and would call me back. I gave him my sister’s number and told him I would be there for the remainder of the week. Dumbass never called once.

Fourth Call (tech support) – Did not have my current contact information. Ok, this is really getting annoying. Each time they call they ask me for it to confirm my identity, so it looks suspicious when I have to continue to run through phone numbers until the right one pops up. Techie created yet another case number as they lost the last one. No record of it. Sigh. He tells me that I should use my own box because they may charge me for a new one to return my laptop to Depot in. Fine, whatever. We continue and he tells me the next step will be covered by their hardware warranty support folks and transfers me. Sigh. She asks for my contact information and does not have my current stuff, and assures me that it is now changed. We proceed through until she informs me that I must pay in advance for repairs, to the tune of $801.43. WTF? I don’t even know for sure what’s wrong with it, so how can I pay in advance. Sorry ma’am, our policy. Ok, fine, whatever. I don’t happen to have $801.43 at my immediate disposal, so tell her I shall have to call back in a couple of days when I get it arranged. Fine, no prob says she, I will give you a quote number so you don’t have to repeat it all and can simply process payment. Great. Finally we are getting somewhere.

Fifth Call (extended warranty support) – Do not have my current contact information. Ok, someone is going to get yelled at today. After I finish ripping into them for once again not having my current information, they tell me they cannot find my order and that I must go through the process again. WHAT IN THE FUCK IS GOING ON? At this point, I was sick as a dog, truly missing my computer at home, and was only in town waiting for a doctor’s appointment and the last thing I was in the mood for was more damned hassle from Dell. So after screaming and crying into the phone at the poor wretch who received my wrath, we finally proceed through the process and payment is confirmed, and she has told me I can use either their box or my own, and that there is no charge for a new box. Ok, fine, ship me one. She promises to put the order through today, I should get the box by Friday or Monday at the latest. She provided me with all the details I need to write on the shipping label so I won’t be charged for anything. Great. Now we are getting somewhere.

Sixth call (extended warranty support) – do not have my current contact information. Ok, this guy got ripped a new asshole, I have had ENOUGH. Once again I am assured that they have updated my information. Sure. I don’t believe a fucking word you say. For a multi-billion dollar computer company, you are not impressing me with your obvious inability to update simple client information. Need I travel to India and input it myself? (yes, I did say this) Then I ask where’s the box, man, it’s been several days now. He tells me there has not been one shipped because I told dumbass number one that I would use my own. More screaming and yelling, no crying this time, just straight verbal abuse. Why is this so goddamned difficult. You people make me want to throw my laptop out the nearest window and give up computers altogether. (and I did say this) After being put on hold several times, he comes back and informs me that a box has now been ordered for me. Thank-you. Now fuck off. (I didn’t say this).

So what is the problem here? I was beginning to look for Ashton Kutcher, thinking this is too ridiculous to be true, that I must be in the process of being punk'd. In the past I have been treated very well by Dell but this past few weeks with them have been filled with inefficiency, incompetence, misinformation, and just plain stupidity. I am so sick of calling them, I can see why they moved their tech support to India. I probably won’t travel there to call them off in person. Although if Kapil, Janine, Amir, or whoever in the hell I was talking to in India sees a small flat black object sailing through the air towards their head someday, they should duck...

Now let’s see if a box actually arrives this week…