In Response To Forwards

To All My Friends Who Have Barraged Me With Those Countless Informative Emails, Thought I Would Show My Appreciation With A Big Thanks...

• To Whoever Sent Me the One about Rat Poop in the Glue on Envelopes because I Now Have To Use A Wet Towel with Every Envelope That Needs Sealing.
• Also, I Now Have To Scrub the Top of Every Can I open For the Same Reason.
• I No Longer Have Any Savings Because I Gave It To A Sick Girl (Penny Brown) Who Is About To Die In The Hospital For The 1,387,258th Time But That Will Change Once I Receive The $15,000 That Bill Gates/Microsoft And AOL Are Sending Me For Participating In Their Special E-mail Program.
• I No Longer Worry About My Soul Because I Have 363,214 Angels Looking Out For Me, And St. Theresa's Novena Has Granted My Every Wish.
• I No Longer Eat KFC Because Their Chickens Are Actually Horrible Mutant Freaks With No Eyes Or Feathers As Soon As I Get My Free Dinner Coupons From Applebee's, I Can Eat Again.
• I No Longer Use Cancer-Causing Deodorants Even Though I Smell Like A Water Buffalo On A Hot Day.
• Thanks To You, I Have Learned That My Prayers Only Get Answered If I Forward An Email To Seven Of My Friends And Make A Wish Within Five Minutes.
• Because Of Your Concern I No Longer Drink Coca Cola Because It Can Remove Toilet Stains.
• I No Longer Can Buy Gasoline Without Taking A Man Along To Watch The Car So A Serial Killer Won't Crawl In My Back Seat When I'm Pumping Gas.
• I No Longer Drink Pepsi Or Dr. Pepper Since The People Who Make These Products Are Atheists Who Refuse To Put "Under God" On Their Cans.
• I No Longer Use Saran Wrap In The Microwave Because It Causes Cancer.
• And Thanks For Letting Me Know I Can't Boil A Cup Water In The Microwave Anymore Because It Will Blow Up In My Face..Disfiguring Me For Life.
• I No Longer Check The Coin Return On Pay Phones Because I Could Be Pricked With A Needle Infected With Aids.
• I No Longer Go To Shopping Malls Because Someone Will Drug Me With a Perfume Sample And Rob Me.
• I No Longer Receive Packages From UPS Or Fedex Since They Are Actually Al Qaeda In Disguise.
• I No Longer Shop At Target Since They Are French And Don't Support Our American Troops Or The Salvation Army.
• I No Longer Answer the Phone Because Someone Will Ask Me To Dial A Number For Which I Will Get A Phone Bill Totaling $2,374.76 With Calls To Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, And Uzbekistan.
• I No Longer Have Any Sneakers -- But That Will Change Once I Receive My Free Replacement Pair From Nike.
• I No Longer Buy Expensive Cookies From Neiman Marcus Since I Now Have Their Recipe.
• And Thanks To Your Great Advice, I Can't Ever Pick Up $5.00 Dropped In The Parking Lot Because It Probably Was Placed There By A Sex Molester Waiting Underneath My Car To Grab My Leg.
• Oh, And Don't Forget This One Either! I Can No Longer Drive My Car Because I Can't Buy Gas From Certain Gas Companies!
• Thanks To You, I Can't Use Anyone's Toilet But Mine Because A Big Brown African Spider Is Lurking Under The Seat To Cause Me Instant Death When It Bites My Ass.
• And Remember, If You Don't Send This E-mail To At Least 144,000 People In The Next 7 Minutes, A Large Dove With Diarrhea Will Land On Your Head At 5:00 PM This Afternoon And The Fleas From 12 Camels Will Infest Your Back, Causing You To Grow A Hairy Hump. I Know This Will Occur Because It Actually Happened To A Friend Of My Next Door Neighbor's Ex-Mother-In-law's Second Husband's Cousin's Beautician ...
• Have A Wonderful Day.... One Last Bit Of Noteworthy News: A South American Scientist From Argentina, After A Lengthy Study, Has Discovered That People With Insufficient Brain And Sexual Activity Read Their E-mail With Their Hand On The Mouse. Don't Bother Taking It Off Now, It's Too Late