Crappy Days Suck

Had me one of those yesterday. I've been getting increasingly frustrated at work, for a lot of reasons. Staff changes - people leaving the agency, not all positions are filled(this means I can't transfer any files until they do, but it doesn't stop new ones from coming in); challenging clients who just don't want to listen to what you say, or better yet, clients who avoid or hide from you; not enough money...same old issue, hence the move north for bigger $$$; and frustration with paperwork and our archaic computer program. Then to top off an already frustrating day, a disheartening call from my professional association. So I got up and left, stomping out the door, muttering something I recall, probably that this job sucks and I quit.

Of course, I can't quit, but I came awful close yesterday to quitting social work altogether. Who needs this shit? The clients mostly hate you, the judges are out to get you, the pay sucks, there are never enough hours in the day to do the work, there is little recognition in society for the difficult work we do, other than the token "glad I don't have your job" or my personal favorite "I could never do your job". And then you have clients who screw up time after time, and regardless of how one tries to distance themselves, you still end up feeling guilty for their mistakes.

I know part of it is that I am just under a lot of stress lately. I didn't think I was, but that's how it goes, it just sneaks up on you and you have a melt down. Only mine have been more frequent, and I have no patience at work, either with clients or co-workers, which is not something I am very proud of, although I don't think I have done my clients any disservice, they just aren't getting the warm fuzzies from me these days. Information only. You want hand holding, look elsewhere because it ain't my job.

You would think that getting a new job would be exciting, and I am but I am too stressed to enjoy that part of it. I am also having surgery in a few weeks, plus a possible root canal, I am flat broke, I have all this crap to sort through at home before I want movers to pack me up, I'm leaving behind some very good friends, and a lovely house, not to mention my daughter, who I will miss the most. I need to get all my shit sorted out at work before I go, and I just don't know when its all going to get done.

I had said I would keep doing this job until I got up one day and didn't want to go to work. That was my yesterday. However, I am choosing to ignore my own advise and will go to the Yukon and make big money and get myself out of debt at least. That would remove that stress at least (those damn student loans).

I think part of the entire problem is that I live alone, so at the end of the day, there is no one there to listen, support and comfort me. I hate it, but don't know what else to do to change it. I find myself ALMOST wishing I had never divorced, but then I would be in a different sort of hell, so thank god that thought never gets far...

Ok, enough ranting...I am in the city for work today and will be taking my daughter to lunch, even if I can't afford it. I just want to soak up every minute with her. Can you blame me?