My name is not Douglass Schrage so stop calling here.

When I moved out here to the country, I asked for a new unlisted number. I had had a client call me at home and all of a sudden, I felt like they had invaded my last private space. They already knew where I lived and watched me all the time, now they broke the boundary and called me. So I went for the unlisted number like many of my colleagues had. Except Aliant gave me someone else’s number. Douglas Scrage. He seems to be a very popular person, although most of his calls are not personal friends, but business people, bill collectors, telemarketers and the like. I have gotten about 15 calls for Douglas so far, three just yesterday. They call and ask for him and I ask them to repeat the name, just in case it is one of my relatives who have a strong Newfie accent, mumbling my name. Oh no, it is Douglas they want. And when I tell them they have the wrong number, that’s where things get dicey.

“What do you mean the wrong number? Isn’t this 625-****?” “Yes it is, but you have the wrong number.” “But I got it out of the directory, so it isn’t wrong.” “Well, I am telling you it is wrong because Douglas doesn’t live here, I do and this is a new unlisted number.” “Are you sure?” “Yes, I am quite sure Douglas doesn’t live here. I don’t know who Douglas is and I am most certain that there is no man named Douglas living here.” “But I just called Directory Assistance and they gave me this number.” “Well, they are wrong. It’s my number, and it no longer belongs to Douglas.” “Well, do you know how I can get in touch with him.” “NO. I don’t know Douglas.” Then, if it is a telemarketer, they decide to change their prey and ask “Then can I speak to the Sir or Madam of the house?” I answer politely “No. Whatever you’re selling, I’m not buying. Goodbye.”

I have to wonder if it is a ploy by Aliant to drive their customers crazy while they are on strike. And to think, I changed my number to an unlisted one to avoid people calling me. So I called Aliant to tell them of my difficulty and they inform me that Douglas Schrage is not in any of their directories with that number and they don’t know where people are getting it from. “Are you sure they are asking for Douglas Schrage?” “Yes, I am sure.” “Well, can you spell that for us” “Sure can, it was spelled out for me enough times.” “Well ma’am, I don’t know what to tell you. I found Douglas Schrage with another number. Maybe you can give people his number when they call.” Great, now I am his answering service.

Maybe I should have fun with this and start making up elaborate stories about Douglas, like “no, I’m sorry, Douglas has moved to the Congo to train mosquitoes to do backflips.” Or “no, Douglas is visiting Santa Claus, inspecting toys for Christmas.” Yeah, that sounds like more fun.