I AM A NEWFOUNDLANDER

First off, WE INVENTED RANTING long before there was MOLSON CANADIAN, or even the MONTREAL CANADIENS.

I am not UNEMPLOYED, but I know people who are. Some of them may be related through marriage, but they WEREN'T RELATED BEFORE THEN.

I hate the SMELL, TASTE, and TEXTURE AND SIGHT OF FISH. I don't fish, my father didn't fish, my grandfather probably did, and I KNOW his father DEFINITELY DID... BUT ONLY BECAUSE YOU CAN'T FARM A GODDAMNED ROCK! If I do happen to eat FISH, it's going to be bloody well COOKED. None of this raw sushi shit they serve in restaurants. We call that BAIT!!!

Our best export is our PEOPLE.

Newfoundlanders are the only people who use the name "JESUS" as an adjective. As in, "LOOK BYE, HAND ME THAT "JESUS" HAMMER WILL YA?"

Our weather embraces DIVERSITY. It is the only place where you can both swim and ice-fish all within the same day, in the same water.

I have RUNNING WATER. I don't shit outdoors except when the Main-landers come from away and want to go out in the woods as if it's PLEASURABLE.

Drinking fine wine and finer RUM is PLEASURABLE. Sex is PLEASURABLE. Getting EATEN ALIVE by "Vampire" mosquitos that have numbers on their sides is NOT.

Newfoundland is a PROVINCE. It is not a TOWN, VILLAGE, CITY, PARISH or HAMLET. I don't know everybody who was BORN, REARED, SCHOOLED, STAYED, LEFT OR DIED HERE. Some I'm sure were NICE and I'm SORRY for not having met them. Some I'm sure were SONS of BITCHES and for not having crossed paths, we're all better off.

It's ST. JOHN'S, not SAINT JOHN. That's in New Brunswick and they rant differently there. It's their accent.

It's pronounced New-fin-LAND, NOT New-FOUND-land. Do you pronounce it ONTA-rio, or KWEE-BECK?

I don't drink much COFFEE. I drink TEA for BREAKFAST, TEA for DINNER and TEA for SUPPER. Oh, by the way, LUNCH we don't DO. We eat DINNER in the middle of the day and SUPPER.. well, at SUPPERTIME.

We don't have SKUNKS or SNAKES... at least not in the woods. Plenty of them in government though, and most come from away.

An EXPERT is always some BASTARD that came through the Narrows. That's the gap in the north and south side of St. John's Harbour that leads to and from the North Atlantic... the most inhospitable place on the "JESUS" planet outside of OTTAWA.

We DRINK Blue Star Ale, Dominion Ale, India Pale Ale, Black Horse Beer and RUM. Any kind, as long as it's DARK. See, we traded OUR salted FISH to Jamaica for THEIR RUM... who says Newfoundlanders aren't very smart?

We were Britain's OLDEST colony and are Canada's NEWEST province. Our GDP hasn't changed a bit.

We don't have COTTAGES ON THE LAKE. We have CABINS ON THE POND. A POND is a body of water... a LAKE is a "hole in yer boot."

We have a wonderful sense of HUMOUR... until we feel we're being made fun of. Then we have a wonderful sense of REVENGE.

A Newfoundlander as a friend, is a friend for life. Have one as an ENEMY... and you'll start CURSING your own mother for having given you birth.

We have more SEX than anyone... at least that's what we tell Main-landers who survey such shit. We have to... everyone gets told there's only two things to do in Newfoundland, FISH or ----, and as I said, I don't FISH.

Soap comes in CAKES, not BARS. Chocolate comes in BARS and so does the occasional BLONDE.

Speaking of BARS, we call them PUBS and we've got LOTS. More than anywhere else in Canada. All of them serve RUM. They have to. IT'S THE LAW.

Besides, they have to Screech in the MAINLANDERS, who in order to gain honorary citizenship in Newfoundland, down a JIGGER (that's a shot glass) of Famous Newfoundland Screech (that's a dark RUM), then kiss a codfish on the LIPS (that's in the front of its face). Many line up to do this... all Mainlanders of course. That's cause no self respecting Newfoundlander would dare kiss a codfish... in some outports, he'd have to marry it!

TOWNIES are from St. John's. Everyone else is a BAYMAN. Except a BLEEP BLEEPING BAYMAN... that's yer NEIGHBOUR!

Oh yeah, did I tell you I don't FISH?... but I know what FISH is... it's COD. Anytime a Newfoundlander refers to FISH he means COD. If he's referring to salmon, or herring, or halibut... HE'LL CALL THE GODDAMNED THING SALMON, OR HERRING, OR HALIBUT.

We like MUSIC... as long as you can dance to it. Except the Pentecostals on the Central Coast. They don't DANCE or DRINK... but they have lots of youngsters... you see they don't FISH either.

That wraps it up.

So, now you know. Newfoundland has gotten a bad rap over the centuries. But there are only two types of people in the world....people who aren't from NEWFOUNDLAND and those FORTUNATE ENOUGH TO BE.