Losing My Grip
Well, its happened...I am finally losing my grip. At work, at home, in my mind, in my body...you name it. I fell apart at work today. I tried to hide it best I could and only crumpled in the office of my supervisor with another co-worker present. Then I scurried back to my own office, which I am not currently sharing - office mate has moved out to her own, just waiting for her replacement. In my office, I put a sign on my door to leave me the fuck alone (actually, it said Think about why you are coming in) and fell apart again. If I stayed focused on work, I wasn't too bad, but as soon as I took a break...the cheese began to slip. Oh the tissues I used up...and the sahara that soon inhabited my contact lenses...
I have never been in this state, ever. It is hell. So I realized that I have to take some time off. How can I be there for my clients if I can't even be there for me? I'm going to start tomorrow afternoon after I take care of a couple of work related things that cannot wait, and stay off until at least Tuesday. Honestly, I don't even want to go back. Its not the job, its me. My caseload isn't even that high. I just don't want to be a social worker anymore. I don't even want to be me anymore.
Now before those that know me all run to the crisis line, I'm basically fine and have no plans to off myself, but I can certainly understand how my clients get to that point. Its a feeling of pure and utter helplessness. I think I know how "I" got to this point. I have been everything to everybody for so long, or at least have tried to that I just don't have anything left for me at the end of the day. I've always been the good listener, the one people turn to for help, with their problems, big or small. And certainly I hear lots of problems from clients too. Problem solving is my job. I am just out of solutions right now.
So if I don't want to be a social worker anymore, what do I want to do with my life? I know this isn't the time for making big decisions, so I won't, but I do intend on checking some things out. Like writing for example. I have always wanted to be a published writer. I have long pictured myself sitting in a cabin in the woods, churning out a book or two a year on various topics, travelling the world from time to time to research them. Perhaps I'm at THAT time in my life where I need to do something just for ME. Something I want to do that no one would ever expect me to do. I have always been so RESPONSIBLE, all of my DAMN life. I'm sick of it.
Wanna know what my biggest issue is? Who takes care of me? When all is said and done, and others have unloaded their problems, who the hell takes care of me?
4 comments:
I think we have all been there at one time or another. I tend to do this about every 3 years or so. I don't call it falling apart though - this is cleaning house, my friend.
It used to bother me when this happened, but now I've come to expect it every 3 years or so. I think everyone has a cycle; you just need to pay attention and notice what yours is. That way you can plan for it and won't get to the point of falling apart in your office ;-)
I call it cleaning house because that's always what I find myself doing when I get like that. I literally clean the house - clean out closets, get rid of furniture, buy new and expensive sheets...But, then I do the more "spiritual" cleaning house too. That's the hard part.
The last big one was in 1999. I got rid of the bad boyfriend; I went back to school; I told a couple of my friends that I just couldn't sit on the couch complaining about our sad lives anymore or we were going to wake up in 10 years and still be sitting there; I finally got serious about paying off all those credit cards.
Another one was 2001 - but it was minor compared to 1999. I just decided I couldn't stay in the job I had. Since I was finishing my master's at that point, it was a good time to move on. I did - that's how I found myself in DC.
I'm a little overdue for a good house cleaning. I feel it coming on though - just not sure which direction I'll be headed in this time...
Are you a list person? I always find a good list helps me organize my thoughts and what I want/need to do. Make a list of what you want to change; then, make another list of what you need to do to make those changes. Then, go do them. Sounds simple, but it's like trying to grow a third arm somedays...
Anne Lamott qouted the Dalai Lama in one of her books - and this has always stuck with me (I'll try to find the exact qoute and citation when I get home tonight...). Basically, what he said was that when everything is falling apart/feels like it's falling apart it's because something beautiful is trying to be born and you need to be distracted so that can happen.
Maybe a writer is being born ;-)
I think you have a good idea there, Steppe...I do need to clean house in more ways than one. I need to clear all my friends troubles out of my mind, clear out all my old junk, like 7 YEAR OLD PHONE BILLS and such stuff. I have had my share of meltdowns but this one was by far the worst. Hopefully some days at home, recouping will help out.
i believe that we all experience helplessness once in a while. this time last year, jude, i was exactly where you are, swearing off social work, looking inward at where i was compared with where i wanted to be. i quit grad school and have yet to figure out if that was a good choice or not. i think you're bang on in not making any big decisions now, and also looking at your options. i know we sure would miss you. i share your aspiration to write, but as you can tell my grammar needs work, or maybe my typing skills :) you already have many stories to tell.
when i thought i didn't want to work in social work again, it helped me to consider the fact that if i weren't doing what i do at work, somebody else would be in a different way... there is such a heavy sense of power about our work that makes me shiver sometimes. i can't think of anyone i know that works with as much knowledge and skill as you.
Sometimes its a very ungrateful profession. does that sound harsh?
anyway, rambling, a bit.....
whatchya doing on the weekend?
~mel
I haven't totally sworn off social work, but it sure would be nice to take a break from it and do something where people WANT to see you...but I have been there and back again, so I'm sure with adequate rest and reduction of stress, I'll get to a place again soon where I enjoy my job, as thankless as it is. One thing I do hear and I'm sure you do too, Mel, is from others like RCMP that "boy, I couldn't do your job" which is great that they recognize our difficulty, but it still is a thankless job, especially in the eyes of the government who underpays us...
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