I know how this deer feels...I have fallen in a similar fashion myself... 

this pretty much sums up how I feel about winter...despite having thoroughly enjoyed myself in the snow yesterday... 

My Sister's Uncanny Ability

Yup, my sister. She knows just when I have gone to bed early, so she phones me. She lives in northern British Columbia and calls maybe once a week, unless she needs a question answered, then she may call more. But for as long as I have been living in Nova Scotia and actually working full time - she knows when I have chosen to go to bed early. I rarely do this, and it is usually because I'm quite tired and last night was one of those times.

I was exhausted because of the late night on Saturday, but more so from the physical escapade on snowshoes so went to bed at 9pm, watched a bit of Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet on television before drifting off at about 9:45pm or so. At 11:00pm the shrillness of the phone jolted me from a dead sleep....the lamp wouldn't work and I could find the phone...finally after much fumbling, I answered a groggy "hello" and on the other end was my sister.

Then she wanted to hang up and let me get back to sleep...I told her it was too late, I was awake so she better start talking! heh heh...the call lasted about 10 minutes or less and then she had to go because the boys (my darling nephews) needed her. Ok, bye...

I didn't finally get back to sleep until after 1:00am. Thanks, sis. I will get you back, oh yes, I will get you back.

So now I am tired this morning and just when my sleeping was getting somewhat back on track (except for the past two nights - one of my own doing).

I shall try an early night again tonight - can't imagine she would call two nights in a row so I should be safe...

Love you sis!

I Must Be Dead

I wrote yesterday about my poor back while trying to get chores done. Well if yesterday wasn't enough punishment, today I have joined the dead. Let me back up...

Company arrived late afternoon and we began the night of drinking, eating, smoking, etc. We watched the movie Anchorman it was just hilarious! There are some parts in there however that are just wrong...where have society's morals gone??? heh heh...

So we were up until quite late (for me) and I think I finally packed it in for the night around 2am or later. I was up again at 8:30am, washing dishes and getting a breakfast spread ready for company. That was quite normal for me, as I generally don't sleep in. It was a lovely breakfast with homemade waffles smothered in butter and maple syrup (ok, Aunt Jemima), and salty CANADIAN bacon, and fluffy scrambled eggs...add tea in my grandmother's teapot and juice spilled on my grandmother's lunchcloth, and we were well away.

Then came the infliction of pain. What sounded like a good idea yesterday was turning out to be something altogether different today. We went snowshoeing. This for a gal who nearly blacks out on the way to the mailbox at the end of the driveway. And it was about 2 miles (or more) in total that we snowshoed...down to a river. I am in a little pain. Actually, I am in a lot of pain. My poor back, and ALL OF MY LEG MUSCLES are angry with me. Maybe I am not dead then if I can feel this pain.

Mind numbing pain aside, it was a wonderful walk to the river. We saw many critter tracks such as squirrel, rabbit and coyote. There was even a carcass. So that's where the dead part comes in. It appears that some coyotes nicked themselves a red deer and left something behind for the crows to have a nibble at. We saw the crows ahead of us, circling like vultures so one of my friends, D. went to investigate and made the discovery. At the riverbank (where I had never gone before) there was a simple shack that was ironically named "Riverside Palace". Despite its rudimentary style, it was great to be able to sit comfortably for a rest before the return journey. We watched some eagles soaring from this location. Awesome. At one point during the hike, D. thought he would show off for the camera (not digital sorry...posted in a few days (or months) and ended up flat on his back in his snowshoes....HA HA. which of course, I snapped a picture of.

So now, as my muscles protest, and my asthma makes my lungs scream for more air, I have returned home and am now fighting off the chill of sweating in the cold, wrapped in a quilt I sewed last fall...

One step forward and two back

Arrrrrrggghhhhh! I am having company later today so I am trying to get into my most productive mode - you know the one...someone is coming so you finally get all those last minute chores done, some tidying away, dirty spots off the trash bin area, that kind of thing.

What is getting in my way is my back! I have some disc troubles that I have had physio for off and on for years and today it is pissing me off. I do one or two tasks and then I have to sit down. Little tasks too, like cleaning the fish tank (just the weekly maintenance, not the killer fish frenzy of last week) and throwing in a load of laundry has my back in PAIN mode. For someone who is just 38 years old, I am feeling about 90 today.

It will all get done, eventually...so on my little breaks, here I am!

The vacuuming has yet to be done and the food prep for tonight...sigh...whine...

Shack Whacky

Ok, its time to go back to work. I could never make a good hermit. I tire easily of my own company. I had Friday off, and today was a snow day. With the exception of Friday night video with K. and an hour for supper with the neighbors, I have pretty much been left to my own devices and now I need a change of venue!

I am sick of scanning the television and of hearing the music channels, so I turned the idiot box off hours ago and immersed myself in my current reading - "To Kill a Mockingbird". I had heard so much about this book, but had never been asked to read it, so when I discovered it at a yard sale last summer, I bought it for a dime and it rested on my bookshelf until recently. I have to say, I thoroughly enjoyed it, as I'm sure most all have. Now I need to start something new. I have a new book by Ann Marie MacDonald on the shelf...perhaps that.

I have made a few phone calls and caught up with friends, but the real thing is I need a change of scenery! I go from sitting here in front of the computer, to sitting in either "my" chair or sprawled on the couch. The cat follows me wherever I go, and I am even getting sick of her. She knows now, by the tone in my voice that I need her to go somewhere else than on my chest.

Its still snowing, BTW. Is it spring yet?

This is the snow at my brother's house - I don't have a digital camera so this will have to suffice! They have very similar drifts to what is in my driveway. 

Is it Spring Yet?

I am so tired of hearing about the snow, talking about the snow, shovelling the snow, even looking at the snow. Enough already!

My shovelling hasn't been as treacherous as it has been in past years, thanks to people with plows, tractors and my next door neighbors. However, what has become even more irritating is the snow talk - I think it is the only thing people on the east coast can find to talk about is the weather. Good, bad, or ugly. So its snowing. Ok. Its winter, people. What else did you expect? Daffodil blooms?

Our employer went against the grain today and decided not to close the office, however all provincial offices in the provinces were deemed closed...hmmm...how does that work. I don't actually work for the provincial goverment, I work for Children's Aid, but my boss works for both. And he decided to keep us (CAS) open. Yet most of my co-workers decided they did work for provincial government and stayed home. It has been a confusing mess. Last year we were told we do not close just because provincial offices close. So he waited until many of us got to work before sending us back home again because he was closing the office. Same thing again today. I went to work because I know that I do not work for the provincial government. My road was clear, the weather was manageable, so off I went. We had gotten a call last week when there was a storm day, albeit far to late - 8:15am by which time I normally would have been just about AT work. and today I didn't get any calls. So I assumed I had to go to work.

I got to work, there was NO ONE THERE. So I called my supervisor, who also believed our agency was open, but she was not able to get in because her road had not yet been plowed. She suggested I call our HR manager, so I did, and her child told me she was at work. HUH? So I went downstairs only to discover that we were indeed open and more of the front office staff had showed up after I did, and eventually, another social worker. Were we open or closed? Open was the word, because there was nothing on the website about us being closed. What do you mean, nothing. All provincial offices are closed. Exec sec to the ED says she didn't see it. So now that she has seen it, they put in a call to the ED - where are you and what's up? Discussion about closing and finally a decision to close since all provincial government offices are closed. Fine. I'm going home, but you are paying me for my time already put in this morning.

Confused yet? I am just irritated. So then I say to the other social worker - why don't you come over and watch movies for the morning. No, I'm going to bed was the reply. Ok, fine, see you later. I get home, get on the net, am right in the middle of doing something and the Internet call manager shows me that she is calling. Funny, I thought she was in bed! She called to tell me that she had a message from the worker above her on the list that we were closed until noon. It was left at 9:25am - like that was going to help anyone. She was already at work by then.

The list - I almost forgot - we have what they are calling a Fan-Out List - it begins with the ED, to the two supervisors and on down - if you call two people and they call two people...you get the drift. No one used it today until after 9am. Why bother having it if you're not going to use it? When I asked that question, I was told it wasn't used when all provincial offices are closed. Oh for F---'s sake. Are we or are we not taking our cues from the provincial government?

So I have a few choice questions for the ED tomorrow. Even if they open again at noon, frig that, I am not going. I already made my effort today and I am staying home. See ya later, folks.

I'm home, and the phone has not stopped ringing with people who want to talk about the snow and about the confusion at work. Enough already. Stop calling me, please. I hate talking about snow. (you would never know it by this post, heh heh)

Tractor

Yup, you read it correctly...tractor...my neighbors have a boarder/my landlord, who left his tractor here for when he comes. He had planned on using it to clear the snow from the driveways in the winter. Otherwise, he plays in the woods with it. The thing is, he has been laid off for the rest of the winter and has returned to his home in PEI, leaving the tractor in the neighbor's field.

so my neighbor (the missus) was determined to get out and play with it and figure it out on her own. I mean, how hard can it be? She can drive a standard transmission in a truck, so why not a tractor? I think they had to jumpstart it as I noticed the truck was pulled up beside it with the hood up. Now she is out driving it, and I see the bucket going up and down. I think there is some snowclearing getting done too.

interesting to watch is the coordination necessary to snow clear with a tractor you have just learned to use. backwards and forwards are easily mastered, but that whole bucket variable is something else. I can see when she backs up, she then has to change her hands onto something that controls the bucket, so each action is independent of each other....slow motion almost.

but she is getting the job DONE! Good for you Max, you go girl!

and it's a good thing too...nasty blizzard on the way again early tomorrow morning. Sure would be nice to have a tractor going to clear it up again!

Its all about ME!

Many thanks to the Hairy Hoser and Madley for providing this little break from snow talk...

3 names you go by:

a) Jude

b) Judith

c) Agent 99 (I'm an agent at work - 99 is part of my login)

3 screen names you have:

a) dreama

b) dakota_sky

c) island_girl

3 things you like about yourself:

a) my sense of humour

b) my purple hair

c) my determination (aka stubbornness)

3 things you dislike about yourself:

a) my weight (like most all women)

b) my bluntness (at times)

c) my health issues

3 parts of your heritage:

a) I am CANADIAN

b) if I go back far enough (200 years or more) - Irish

c) same ting - French

Your everyday essentials:

a) chocolate

b) water

c) a photo of my daughter

3 things that scare you:

a) getting a call in the night that something has happened to my daughter

- that's about all that really scares me

3 things you're wearing right now:

a) a sweatshirt

b) pyjama pants

c) slippers

3 of your favorite bands/artists:

a) The Beatles

b) Rush

c) Elton John

3 new things you want to try in the next 12 months:

a) dating (new for this year!)

b) The Amazing Race

c) cycling again

3 things you want in a relationship (love is a given) :

a) trust

b) respect

c) humour

2 truths and a lie (in no particular order):

a) I once worked at a meat-packing plant

b) I have been married twice

c) I hate fish (yes, I am from Newfoundland - partly) actually, I hate all seafood.

3 physical things about a love interest that appeal:

a) being taller than me (which isn't hard, but I didn't have it in my first marriage)

b) longish hair

c) a bare chest

3 things you just can't do:

a) play a musical instrument

b) make a decision about my life

c) cut the apron strings to my daughter!

3 of your favorite hobbies:

a) knitting

b) reading

c) watching movies

oddly enough, sometimes all three at the same time...and more

3 things you want to do really badly right now:

a) hug my daughter

b) lose a significant amount of weight

c) wiggle my nose to make all the snow disappear

3 careers you're considering:

a) my current one - social worker

b) writer (I have a lot to say)

c) teacher (community college level social work)

3 places you want to go on vacation:

a) Africa - Kenya

b) Thailand (pre-Tsunami)

c) Australia

3 kids names:

a) Emma

b) Autumn

c) Ocean

3 things you want to do before you die:

a) visit the pyramids

b) hold a grandchild (mine)

c) be out of debt

3 people who now have to take this quiz:

a) I don't really care

b) still not caring

c) do it if you want, I don't care

What Kind of Hippie Are You?

Since part of my head always seems to be stuck in the 60's and 70's ( I did actually live through them) I was intrigued by this whimsical quiz...


You are a Hippie. Wow.

What kind of Sixties Person are you?
brought to you by Try it...see what you come up with...

What a Friggin Day

Ever have one of those days where everything you touch turns to shit? That was my day today. It began when I attempted to get out the door early today to go to Wal-mart (I know, I am an addict) to get a few things for my niece. It was her birthday yesterday and I promised to her her parcel in the mail today at the latest...I should have known. Just as I am pulling out of the driveway, my pager goes off. I've been on call since last Thursday at 4:30pm, so when I am not at work, I'm on call. But I RARELY get an early morning call. And what they're asking for isn't completely simple. It should be, but I am in my car, not in my office. Someone wanted to cancel their drug testing for today and I didn't have the phone number of the lab to call them, and 411 didn't have it either. They THOUGHT they did, but it turned out to be some medical clinic in Halifax. Great. So luckily for me (so it wasn't all shit today) my roomie had gone to work early and I actually knew about it, so I called her at work to get the number off my desk (we work at the same agency). So phew, took care of that problem...except now I was late to get to work...I figured, to hell with it and went to Wal-Mart anyhow.

Well, when I got to work, the front entrance of our building has two doors...one has been broken for about a month or so, with no apparent attempts to fix it...just some tape and caution tape telling us not to use it. The problem is the other one had not been used as much and is very stiff, and slams on me all the time, squishing me in the door, sometimes bashing me in the shoulder...which already hurts enough thank-you very much from the injury I received a few years ago when I thought I could do Jujitsu...

So my shoulder is hurting and I am in a pissy mood...I get upstairs where my office is and our security door won't close. Great...another f-ing door problem. I've got my hands full of my lunch, Wal-Mart bags and my little zip case for work stuff...half falls on the floor and I am really in a pissy mood by then. Our door upstairs hasn't been working for a week or so either...making us not so secure after all. Great. So I fire off an e-mail to management telling them the door situation is unacceptable. got that off my chest. In the meantime, my rant about the doors scares the hell out of my co-worker in the adjoining office, so she shuts her door in fear.

Then I went downstairs to look for something in the file room. It is archaic. I can't believe the mess in there. Its no wonder stuff goes missing. And if it was simple paperwork for a business of some sort, whatever, lose it, find it...who really cares...but I work for a child welfare agency and if we lose paper, the judge is not happy and someone's head may roll...so I get panicky when I can't find something. Turns out it was in front of my nose the whole time, with the exception of one particular correspondence. Fine. I head back upstairs.

Since I had ranted and raved part of the morning, I was thirsty and headed down to the kitchen to get a drink at the water cooler...no water. empty AND the jug has been taken off and set on the floor. Ok, why didn't someone put a new one up? Because they were TOO LAZY to get another one from downstairs...GREAT. So I took my rage downstairs and dragged and rolled another jug upstairs and got myself a drink of WARM water.

It took me a bit to get over the pissy mood but I was finally able to shake it off. It wasn't even the worst day I've had, as things were relatively minor, but I was ready to hide in my office, especially after my boss asked me if I needed to go for a walk...

I braved it!

Well, I decided to go out and see what the snow was like...it was wet. But I wasn't alone...my gracious neighbors came out and helped me out immensely. That is one long sumbitch of a driveway, let me tell you. It took the three of us about an hour with scoops and shovels. But we got it done, and they continued on throughout the afternoon and shovelled the rest, gotta love em. There will have to be treats shared at some point. The missus doesn't bake so I bring them sweets whenever I make some...perhaps I'll rustle something up tonight!

So once we finished enough of the driveway to get my car out, I headed for town, panting to beat all and my heart racing like a triphammer (whatever in the hell that is). I had a few puffs on the inhaler to get the old lungs moving again and away I went. Town was pretty much cleaned up, although many parking lots to be plowed but those businesses were closed anyhow. When I got to our parking lot, however, it was a different story. While the inside of the lot was plowed, I picked three of the four ways to get into it and they were all unplowed...I finally picked my way through the maze and got in, and parked. One step out of the car and I am nearly flat on my ass again. The snow had not stuck very well to the GLAZE of SHEER ICE under it. It was just like walking on glass it was so smooth. Another few steps and whoopsie again...but I managed to catch myself.

Seems the caretaker/superintendent/janitor (whoever he is or what he calls himself) wasn't in so nothing was shovelled. Not the steps, the walk, NOTHING. And this is a government building and all. So I plowed through the snow once again, thankfully I had not taken off the windpants yet. Once inside, my co-workers commented on my figure skating in the parking lot...I got the feeling they were rather disappointed that I didn't fall down. Its like a shot on goal that missed...OHHHHHH, darn.

Turns out only five of us from the floor even bothered to come in - out of 17 that work on that floor. Granted one is away on vacation, another on sick leave, and yet one more on a day off, but that still leaves 9 that didn't come in. So it made for a quiet afternoon. I got all my work done and had time to kill....and not too many to pester. darn.

Freezing rain on the car to clean off for the drive home and thank-you all, I am home once again, sipping on a nice cold beer. I think I deserve it.

Snow Day!

Hooray, its a snow day! Or at least I thought it was. My employer chose to wait until long after I should have left for work to send the message down the line that we were closed until 1pm. I had been voraciously checking the cancellations page of our local radio station, and only saw the neighboring agency closed, but not ours. Then when I got the call, I checked the page and it simply read closed. Now I got a call just a few minutes ago that we are opening at 1pm. RATS! Way to ruin a good snow day, mister. So the question is then, do I just take some overtime and don't bother to go in today? I do have it to spare...hmmm....there is a great deal of snow in my driveway, or at least it looks like there is.

We did get a fair amount of snow last night, and it was still drifting heavily when I woke up this morning...I was rather hoping that it would just blow off my driveway entirely, heh heh. You see, I have a raised driveway (read raised hump of dirt) and so it might just do that. But then it began to rain not long ago, kind of a freezing rain. So any thought of snow drifting OFF my driveway diminishes with the rain. Its like adding concrete to it. DAMMIT!

Eventually I do have to leave the cozy house and check out the snow. Whether I go in to work today or tomorrow is besides the point. I still have to get out of the driveway. And then there is the knowledge that I am actually working right now as I am the on-call duty worker for when the office is closed...hmmm...guilt...guilt...guilt...if I get an emergency I shall have to go in a hurry...should I go out and brave the weather to get the driveway clear? decisions, decisions...

I'll think about that tomorrow...(oh Scarlett!)

Grand Bruit, NL - one of the prettiest places in Newfoundland!

For more information - please feel free to visit my msn community describing the place and with tons more pictures - Grand Bruit

AHA!

I have finally figured out how to use the Hello program to post pics. Whoo hoo! I don't know what the problem was before, but it was likely my computer because it was before the great cleanup of 2004 when I re-formatted the hard drive. Now it all works fine and dandy! So expect to see occasional pics added to my blogs. I don't own a digital camera, but I know enough people who do, and I can scan any of my own "old fashioned" pictures.

Stay tuned for some more pics...

my pride and joy - the non-resident teenager 

resident feline relaxing 

Lets get back to Blogging!

Well, I did it, I signed up for Blog Explosion. And then I "surfed" and it amazes me how many people are talking about ways to get traffic to your blog, but not really "blogging". So I may not stay with Blog Explosion and might just continue as I always have...a few faithful readers and writing for myself. Some of the blogs I surfed to were so full of other "crap" that there was little room left on their page for BLOGGING! There are buttons for just about anything and I was beginning to feel a little like being hurled into the cyber classifieds. Lets get back to telling our stories, people! in the words of a fellow blogger and cynic... "I blog, therefore I am".

Poor Fishes

well, I finally had to break down and clean the fish tank. The algae was getting its own glow on the front and I couldn't take it anymore. I wasn't able to find the correct charcoal and sponge filter, so just rinsed them out, but replaced 1/3 of the water and used my brand new gravel cleaner to suck up some crap. The fish are surely traumatized, especially the two that didn't make it. OOOOPS!

It began with me taking out 1/3 of the water so I could put my arms in to do stuff and not slosh too much. The fish were getting in the way of the gravel cleaner and I couldn't see what the hell I was doing. So I took out the plants and ceramic decor...little did I know that with one of the plants came a fish. Poor guy spent the afternoon in a Wal-Mart bag - and when I replaced the plants out of it again, I didn't see him in there, threw the bag back on the floor and proceeded to step on it a bunch of times while running to the tap to refill the tank. OOOPS. So he was rather squished. I had also attempted to capture the fish to get them out of the way but was only able to get 5 of them...one got stuck in the net and I didn't see him until I was putting the fish back. OOOPS. He died too.

So after considerable MESS, two deaths, much panic and anxiety, and complete trauma to my remaining fish...the tank is now clean..er. So I called up to the pet store in Halifax, and coordinated with a friend who is in the city this weekend to pick me up some filters and a few new fish. They like to school with their own kind in groups of at least 3 so I need to replace them.

What a friggin ordeal!

Silly Girls

Someone either posted this link or sent it to me, I can't remember which but in any event, I just ROARED when I saw the pic of these maxi-pad slippers...what a riot! the rest of the site is pretty fluffy, but the slippers look comfy...lol

Thinking...

since my blog is described as ramblings and useless musings...here's a fresh batch...

1. as much as I try not to let this whole "diagnosis" take over my life, its creeping in there. Now when I feel an ache or a pain that I had gotten rather used to, I process it and wonder if its an ordinary pain or is it related to FM. Then my thoughts wander to - oh, well, if it is related to FM, will I be feeling it for the rest of my life? Will it get worse? I have been reading on a "support group" for FM and its quite depressing. I think I'll be leaving it as all they talk about is new drug therapies and qualifying for disability pension. Gadzooks! I hadn't even considered not being able to work
2. which lead to my next rambling - what if I can't continue to work at my current job? What if things really don't get much better healthwise...what then? What if I can't work full-time or at social work. Stress makes FM worse and GAWD knows child protection is loaded with stress. And I think my little breakdown last fall was an indicator that my body is not up to the task, at least not in its current state.
3. so now I sit on the edge of sanity, wondering how much more I can tolerate. And on the grand scheme of things, I'm not being asked to tolerate that much compared to the misery of others, however, I do know that I have been pushed to my limits this past year and although I didn't snap, I came darn close.
4. So what do I do about it? I know that I don't want to spend my time whining about FM, thats for sure. I just hope for understanding from friends and family about it, and the wisdom to make good choices for my future.

wow...that was heavy...so now its time to lighten things up a bit...check back for my next post in a few minutes...

So WHAT does that MEAN?

My friends and family have been wondering what particular symptoms I have of FM, because there are so many, I thought I would highlight the particularly annoying ones, and leave out the less pleasant ones and spare ya...heh heh

If you clicked on the link I provided in the last post, you would have found such a list - besides the tender points, which I do have, I have also had trouble with sleeping, which has been no great secret and I've written about it here from time to time. There is a particular sleep disorder related to FM, where you don't get enough stage 4 sleep, and your brain is too busy to let you sleep during that stage, which is also the stage where you get your true restorative sleep. I'm hoping to get into the sleep clinic to confirm that, but it sure would explain the sleep issue I have. Some FM folks describe it as feeling like you have one foot out of sleep and one foot in all night...YUP, that's me. I just thought I was a light sleeper. Cat farts do not amuse me but they do wake me up.

On we go. fatigue - well, that would certainly go hand in hand with getting VERY LITTLE SLEEP, wouldn't it?

morning stiffness (waking up stiff and achy) - hell yes. I get stiff and achy getting up from my chair if I have sat too long, but the morning stuff...oh yeah...and also related to not getting good sleep. Tossing and turning is quite a workout, I kid you not. I have had a number of days where I felt like a mack truck hit me and I had no idea why. And it would go away by noon for no particular reason, which is a big thing with FM. Unexplained symptoms that come and go seemingly at random.

chronic pain - got it. Don't know why, don't know what causes it, but its there. I was beginning to think I was imagining it. I mostly have pain in my back, which may or may not be related to FM and might be more related to me just not taking care of my back in my 20's. Just because you can lift something doesn't mean that you SHOULD. The other pain I have is in my neck, shoulders, wrists (but I don't fit the criteria for carpal tunnel syndrome) and my knees. It comes and goes, and I never know when to expect it or what triggers it. It just happens.

numbness and tingling sensations - get them so much my co-workers think I am having a heart attack. No, the old ticker is just fine. My legs and arms go dead on me all the time. I just blamed poor circulation.

dizziness or lightheadedness - from time to time, and unexplained. sometimes my head just rocks inside, so I sit down.

skin and chemical sensitivities - well, I am certainly sensitive to smells and get splitting headaches from them, but I think just about anyone would from the stench that comes up from the floor below me at work where they are grinding metal. The ultimate though is vanilla scent - like fork in the eye.

There are also links between the myoclonus that I talked about some months back - muscle jerks and FM. And they are becoming more noticable, in that I get them at work.

There are a couple more, but less "glamorous" symptoms. In any event, that's how I have been feeling lately, for the past few years or more. The sleeping thing has been around for many years, but the rest came on in the past 2-3 years. So if I am grumpy on a particular day, it might just be I am not having a good physical day. Not an excuse to be grumpy mind you, but I don't always feel up to snuff and if this stuff worsens, I may have more good days than bad. Just so you know, is all.

Anyhow, I am off to have a rest on the loveseat since the scrapbookers have invaded my home again tonight...

"Untitled"

I tried to come up with a title and couldn't...I guess I was having trouble framing what I had to say? In any event, a trip to the doctor confirmed what I had suspected for some time now, that I have fibromyalgia. Its a hard diagnosis to make in that there is no blood test or x-ray, but she did check for the tender points and I had them, plus most of the other symptoms. Thankfully she didn't blow me off, as did a doctor I asked about it 2 years ago. THAT doctor's response was "well, there's nothing you can do about it so there's no point in discussing it". ACTUALLY, there are plenty of things to do about it, and number one on my list is to get a handle on my sleep problem. Did I mention that I had been referred to the sleep clinic in Halifax? My doctor wrote the letter last July and I got the forms filled out for them in August. I phoned last week to see where I was on the list and I was informed I was #385 and they would see me in two years. Great. Thanks.

Then the secretary and I had a conversation about how one could get bumped up the list - if your sleep problem interferes with your ability to work - BINGO. It sure as hell does, so I spoke to my doctor and she is going to write another letter. Actually, I cried to my doctor. I had gone in with the best of intentions, to chat about my lack of sleep once again but I guess I had built it up too much as I busted out into tears the minute she asked me what she could do for me...sheesh...anyhow, she prescribed something different to help me sleep and for the pain, a drug targeted more for fibromyalgia.

I tried it last night, I think I took it too soon as I got drowsy real quick, but it didn't last too long. By 3am I was wide awake again. She told me it would take a little experimentation before getting it right but it might be the right drug for once.

So there you have it. A diagnosis does help somewhat, to make sense of all the symptoms but in the end I am left with a diagnosis for an incurable condition. Welcome to FM.

Messy House

I came across this website last year and then lost the link for the longest time. The first post has links to pics of this guy's mother's house that is messy...I mean MESSY. Everytime I think I am getting cluttered I go look at it and it gets me motivated to CLEAR UP. Unbelievable!

Who's passing who?

I often wonder if life is passing me by, or if I am passing on life.

I feel like I'm getting too comfortable here, that if I don't soon make a move, I will never find my way out of the country. Why though? what drives me? Every now and again there is a scene or a line in a movie or book or song that inspires me to get moving, get going, live your life! Then tomorrow comes, and I'm too tired to do much of anything, or too afraid of what I might find. What if I sell everything and travel, only to find that I really don't like it much anymore and would rather be home? What if my body conks out just after I leave? What if I meet someone just before I leave this place, but after its too late to stay.

What if, what if, what if...what a cop-out. I have to get out there and GRAB life by the horns and get busy...cause it certainly ain't happening here. But then I think about things that keep me here, like friends and a comfortable home...what if I don't find that elsewhere and lose it by leaving here. How do you know? Why is this decision harder to make than any other I have ever made? Is it because I have made decisions before that were not the smartest, and I paid for them for years (aka MARRIAGE) or just plain cowardice? Not that something wonderful didn't spawn out of the misery that was my marriage - my beautiful daughter, but I think wilting there, in that small town all those years certainly left its mark on me. I should have left years before I did, before it got nasty and fulfilled my dreams earlier.

So has that permanently crippled me from making a decision? I did finally leave and things only got better, so I know positive things can come from big decisions. All I do know is that I have gotten too many speeding tickets...

Another Weekend

gone to hell...accomplished so very little...lounging, hanging out with friends, eating, sleeping (somewhat) and so on. I guess if I had to scrape up an accomplishment, I did just finish spending 3 hours cutting out letters of the alphabet for my scrapbooking. My roomie has a new toy...it uses your own paper to cut out shapes and letters - a Sizzex machine so I cut out enough for my book of our trip to Central America. Now my back hurts from hunching over this machine! But think of the money I saved...actually, lettering is quite expensive and they never give you enough of each letter, and here I made hundreds of letters for just my time as I used scraps of cardstock. There you go, I guess that's my sole accomplishment this weekend.

I think I will go have some lunch now...there's something coming on tv I want to watch...heh heh...

TGIF

Thank Gump Its Friday.

I work a lot of on-call shifts (they are one-week long, meaning I am on-call from 4:30pm-8:30am the next day and all week-end long) and the bonus of working them is you get the Friday immediately following your on-call shift, which ends on Thursday, OFF! The trouble has been, Family Court is also on Thursday-Friday and I am involved through work in a lot of court files. And they often are called back on a Friday, meaning I have to reschedule my Relief days (the free Friday). Last year my vacation was partly made up of relief days I never got to take because of court. So to actually have one off today when it was scheduled, is AWESOME. Now I feel RELIEF...

so what am I doing on my Relief day? Lounging, totally. Watching my Beatles Anthology AGAIN. And then there was the trip to the end of the driveway to get the mail. No blackouts this time, lol but I did manage to fall flat on my back. God Damn ice. We had some snow last night and it looked sticky so I thought it would take care of all the ice around from the last snowfall that was followed by rain. Um. No. Instead I went just like in the movies, slipped on one heel, and up into the air, followed by a sound THUMP onto the ground, fully flat on my back. Thankfully the ICE CLUMP that I slipped on landed right below my ass, where there appears to be adequate padding. I haven't quite decided yet if I injured myself during this, the first fall of 2005. My back is a little sore...lets see what the day brings...

Reflections of What Used To Be

Quiz found on my friend the Hairy Hoser's blog, with origin unknown.

1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?

ate meat I could not identify in Guatemala; climbed a volcano...there's much more...

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I don't remember if I made any, but I can imagine I didn't keep them.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

My sister had her third child, another boy in June - he's just GORGEOUS!

4. Did anyone close to you die?

my uncle Jack died a few days before Christmas...he was one of my favorite uncles, even if I didn't see much of him. He will be missed.

5. What countries did you visit?

USA, Guatemala, and Belize in April/May...backpacking trip with my daughter

6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?

a love interest

7. What dates from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

June 26th - it was the day I said goodbye to my daughter at her own apartment for the first time...SOB!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year

avoiding admittance to the funny farm

9. What was your biggest failure?

not finding a love interest

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

OH YEAH. I fell down, twice this year and beat up my knees. Illness...no new ones, but some new diagnoses, and some on the horizon.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

The Beatles Anthology on VHS...I got so much joy out of watching the boys

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Kathleen, for taking the plunge and moving up north.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

let's not go there, but if you read my blog in the past, you might figure it out.

14. Where did most of your money go?

student loans, student loans, student loans, student loans...

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

my daughter being accepted to all three universities she applied to, and receiving scholarships from all three.

16. What song will always remind you of 2004?

She Bangs as sung by William Hung...it cracked me up.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter?

a) sadder b) fatter, dammit.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

hugged my daughter...I miss that now, being able to hug her when I want to.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

all the vices - drank, spent money, pigged out, you know...and also wish I had criticized co-workers less...bad habit

20. How will you be spending Christmas?

spent it with my lovely daughter, and thoroughly enjoyed it.

21. Did you fall in love in 2004?

ummmm, no. but wish I had.

22. How many one-night stands?

zero.

23. What was your favorite TV program?

I can't pick just one - ER, Survivor and The Amazing Race

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

I have only ever hated one person in my whole life and that still stands. She is a miserable human being and her initials are C.B.

25. What was the best book you read?

Wally Lamb's "I Know This Much is True" - I read it while on vacation in Guatemala - found an old battered copy in the hostel in Flores.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?

I would have to say the music channels on my sattelite dish since moving to the country.

27. What did you want and get?

a green Christmas.

28. What did you want and not get?

a green New Year's

29. What was your favorite film of this year?

Garfield, the Movie. I just want to take him home.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

38 and I had some friends over - we drank, smoked, ate...it was a fun.

31.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

deciding on a career path and not being a coward about it.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?

colorful. oh yeah. the hair, the clothes...the color came ON!

33. What kept you sane?

liquor.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

oh, the usual, Matthew McConaughey

35. What political issue stirred you the most?

the US election - it drove me insane. I was so sick and tired of hearing about it in the news, peoples blogs, wherever.

36. Who did you miss?

my daughter...she moved out to go to university.

37. Who was the best new person you met?

My friend and co-worker, M. she is very cool and a refreshing change to the workplace.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004.

not to expect too much from your family, because it sucks when they don't meet up to your expectations...no matter how low they are.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

from Neil Young's My My Hey Hey

It's better to burn out

Than to rust.

My my, hey hey.

thanks for listening...

Ugh, I am out of shape

Well, here's a totally original new year's resolution - to get in shape. the other day I walked down to the end of the driveway to get the mail. I usually pick it up on the way home from work in the car, but this particular day, I was off so I walked down to get it. My driveway is about 1/3 of a kilometre to the mailbox. I damn near blacked out. There were black spots dancing in front of my eyes. Holy shit. Then today I went out and shoveled out my shovel. Yes, that's right, shoveled out my shovel. My big scoop had been laying against the step after the first of the big storm, and must have fallen down, and got snowed over, then iced in, and frozen in place. It took a bit of effort, but I got it out. then I had to come in, get my rescue puffer and lie down. my heart is still racing.

what in the hell is going on. I figure I don't get enough exercise (no shit) and its partly due to living out in the country. I used to walk a little when I lived in town - to the video store, Dairy Queen, library, or to work to do notes on the weekends. Now I walk down the steps to my car. Apparently walking to the end of the driveway proved to be too much. absolutely pathetic.

so I resolve to walk more, even if I do live out in the country and the trucks passing by my road nearly run me down. After I drive my garbage to the end of the driveway...

phew, that's all over

I'm done...the living room is set up, the spare room is set up and I just LOVE IT! I'm happy with the way things worked out, even if the plan changed along the way. I'm not barred in the room at the end of the hall now when I'm on the computer and I can watch tv at the same time. whoo hoo! Life is good. Now I can settle in for the long, cold, winter out here in my living room.

Life is also quite pathetic when that is the highlight of my day...

oh mama

I hurt...big time. I got to it, I moved the living room furniture around. And its not that its really heavy or anything like that, such as my mother's furniture, except for the television I guess (25") it was more all the crap I had to take off my shelves, with nowhere to put it, the bending, reaching, etc. Now my back hurts and because I am on call, I can't take too much (a few strong drinks sounds good!) so ibuprofen it is...

And I'm not even done yet. I have all the books and movies put back, furniture arranged, but all the other crap is still littered about and of course, the lowly puter is not moved yet...that's a job for tomorrow. And then I can finish putting crap away as I'm taking one section of the shelving for the spare room - get those unsightly items out of the living room - photo albums, board games, a bunch of phone books, other clutter that isn't used very much, etc.

I don't appear to have the stamina I used to when I lived on the rock and moved my furniture around monthly...sigh...

Avoidance

it works for me...but I really have to get back at it. I have decided that once the tree came down, I was going to rearrange the living room. No small feat by any stretch of the imagination. I have a huge shelving set from Ikea that is four sections, chock full of books movies, souvenirs, photos, games, photo albums...you name it. So in order to move it (because it ain't on wheels) I have to take EVERYTHING off it, including all the electronics - tv, vcr, dvd, stereo, etc. The first order of business was to move the cable and be sure that I could actually do that and because I don't currently own a drill, I called for help from the neighbors who came over and took care of that. Now I am committed to moving the rest of the crap before I can watch television. sigh...I will be busy late into the night...but then, what else do I have to do?

so hence, here I sit, avoiding the mess and impending bigger mess out in the living room. I am also planning on moving dear puter out to the living room too...I just don't like being stuffed back here in the spare room to use it. It was necessary for many years to have it in a separate room because one or the other of us was always doing homework, but now that I basically live alone (roomie doesn't use the computer nor does she watch much television and is rarely home) that I can actually have the tv and the computer in the same room. I notice that I am still avoiding...

alright, I'm going, I'm going...

Happy New Year Everyone!

Resolutions anyone? I've got a few...not that my track record is anything to speak of for keeping them, but what the hell...make 'em, break 'em...

1. be less critical of others
2. decide what to do with my life this year
3. gain good mental health
4. resolve my sleeping problems
5. clear out the clutter in my house
6. clear out the clutter in my life
7. become more active, even if it kills me
8. find someone to share my life with
9. work less on-call shifts
10. cut the apron strings

So we shall see just how I do on these...I don't know if I even made any last year but I can bet they weren't kept...

another year over and a new one just begun...

In the words of John Lennon and Yoko Ono

(Happy Xmas Kyoko
Happy Xmas Julian)

So this is Christmas
And what have you done
Another year over
And a new one just begun
And so this is Christmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear one
The old and the young

A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear
And so this is Christmas
For weak and for strong
For rich and the poor ones
The world is so wrong
And so happy Christmas
For black and for white
For yellow and red ones
Let's stop all the fight
A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear
And so this is Christmas
And what have we done
Another year over
And a new one just begun
And so this is Christmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear one
The old and the young
A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear
War is over over
If you want it
War is over
Now...