Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!

That was how my day began. I was wearing a long skirt (picture it, orange fabric with shiny satin inside...beautiful embroidered trim on the bottom...but it was probably too long. I was taking out the trash to my car, where I drive it to the bottom of my long driveway and then leave it for pick-up in an old freezer...you know the kind everyone in the country seems to have, that is, if they don't have an old oil tankwith a hole cut in it. Anyhow, there I was, in my orange skirt, bag of garbage in one hand, and over the right shoulder, my purse and lunch bag. In my right hand, my keys and a pack of gum for the car (I was out). Then it happened.

I stepped into the hem of my skirt after the first step...I knew I was going to fall. You kind of have that feeling. Like a train wreck in slow motion, I just knew it was going to hurt and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I landed on both knees (WHY, OH WHY IS IT ALWAYS THE F-ing KNEES???) and then subsequently fell over onto the bag of garbage...soft landing for my ass anyhow...not like it needs it. Then the pain set in. And the crying began. I was sure I had cracked open my knee cap this time, let me tell you. It went right past that sick to your stomach lurch you get when you give it a good crack on the coffee table and into serious pain. Holy Cow. now what. I've fallen and I can't get up. Here I am, out in the country that I thought would be so good for me and not a soul in sight. My neighbor Max is gone to work, and her husband has gone hunting, hours ago. My neighbor on the other side is an ailing old lady who sounds like she's gonna cough up a lung, and the others are too far to hear me! No one lives across the street from me, and my driveway is so long, even the garbage man wouldn't hear me.

Great. Now what in the hell was I going to do? I didn't even think about the CELL PHONE in my purse, next to me. I was in too much pain. But the pain eased up after about 10 minutes and I was finally able to pull myself up, stop screaming out and the crying had settled to a low whimper. My knees were both skinned over, with scrapes about five inches across on my right knee and just 2-3 inches on my left. And you can bet there will be a nice bruise on one or both of them. My friends, when they stop laughing, say I'm lucky I didn't hit my head. Yeah, that's luck. They don't know how hard my head is. Or big. It can take a helluva hit, more than my poor knees.

So off I hobbled into my car, garbage in tote. Of course, the temptation was to leave the damn garbage right where it was, but I didn't want little critters making a mess while I was gone. I dumped off the garbage at the end of the driveway and headed into work late. I did get some sympathy when I got there and people saw the size of my scrapes...once the laughing died down.

I saw my neighbor when I got home today and told her about it. She was very upset that she didn't get to see me fall. Thanks Max. I'll remember that the next time that horse of yours tosses your sorry ass on the ground, heh heh. Hope I'm there.

When does the clumsiness stop again? I have been clumsy my whole life. I'm ready to end it now. As you recall, I just healed up from my last fall, in front of the courthouse in September. Now I have fresh wounds to scar my poor battered legs.

whimper, whine...